Belief #1: The Bluebird of Happiness

The Last Sign, Last Goodbye. My true handwritten story.  

 "The bluebird of happiness", well it is a song actually. A song that I heard whenever I jumped in reading book entitled 'Step by wicked step', written by Anne Fine. The story highlighted about a kid named Collin, who had an affectionate relationship with his stepfather whom he called, 'Dad'. I started to understand the storyline very well since I put myself on his shoes and letting my real-me to feel how much wonderful to have a father. A father that will always can be count on, standing next to ourselves from now on and everafter.

I engrossed myself reading the story. This damn lovely and beautiful story keeps reminding me that I have a father before. I only had my sixteen-years of lifetime with my father. Eventhough, it was just a short moment to a teenager in having a father, I love my father very much. I miss him badly, terribly when I wanted to. All these kinda feelings are triggering me to tell the readers, especially my lovely teacher, Madam Azura to read this soon. This could be my first and the last 'heart letter', to my only beloved one, before my future husband, the one that I always called him 'Abah'. 

Our first eid without Abah, in United Kingdom.

I have a happy-big family. I have Abah, Ummi, and all other siblings that always behind supporting me, with no doubt! They trust me whoever I am, whatever I am doing and what things I am struggling for. They always put the faith in me! I always give the best for my family and exactly for my 'Abah'. I want him to be proud of his daughter. He is my willpower whenever I am screwed. I've promised to myself that I will never let my parent down, especially my 'Abah'.

One day, I made a decision to flit into a new school. It was a great and knownable boarding school that situated far far away from my home, my place. Since I passed my public examination with flying colours, I was negligible to be one of this elite school's students. I was head-over-heels! I was over the moon! I felt that all my hardworks and struggles were worth it! With the help from Allah. I told my Abah that I wanted to be there instead of pursuing where I was now. My 'Abah' however refused to let me go.

With my high determinations, I made it. After such a long heart-to-heart talk, I convinced 'Abah' to let me go. I had been stranded in a rural area, where the elite school was situated, but still I felt the happiness ran over thru my veins. I became a best student. I was one of the college's students disciplinary board. I was everything to that school, to all the members of the school. To my batch. Everything! Everything! I realized I made a right choice and decision in being here. My parent were very happy for me, especially 'Abah'.

After had a final examination. I broke down my achievement's study record with my highest results. I achieved the Dean List and a very good pointer. This news made my both parent brighter. After that, I called 'Abah' to make a trip, to come and visit me when I received the award from school. Sadly, my 'Abah' said, "No Baby, I couldn't make it." I tried to strong myself. When the day came, Oh God, how I was so dissappointed and upset because my parent were not around in celebrating me. I was alone in that moment. I was moonbleached! I told myself in the glimpse of my heart, "Abah. all these happiness and achievements in life aren't a matter for me, but it is you is a matter for me! I realized when I was far from you, it is really my 'Achilles' Heels. And I do admit it."

On the next day, I had an 'outing' to the town which was just a stone's thrown away from my school. I made a plan to run away. I did ask my warden in the first place to allow me going back home. I said honestly, "Cikgu, saya nak balik.. saya nak balik sangat2.. saya nak balik sebab saya nak jumpa ayah saya. Saya tersangat rindu dengan ayah saya." But all her answer was, "No, awak tak boleh balik.. Ni bukan minggu balik." I wanted to go home and met my lovely 'Abah'. I did not know why I missed him so much. I really wanted to get back home. In the early of morning, I woke up earlier and packed all my crucial things to be carried with, a few clothes and my exam's result certificate together with me. I put all these in my bagpack. I told the teacher that I was going out to the town, but nobody knew what was hidden in my mind. Honestly, I felt sorry to put lies towards my teacher, but what should I do? I had no choice.

Sharp on eight o'clock at night, I took a bus to Kuala Lumpur. Before that, I made a phone call to 'Abah' that I was on my way to get back home. 'Abah' was sternly angry to me. He said, "Don't you ever come back home without my permission!" I refused to listen. I made my way back. It took seven hours to arrive. During that gloomy night, I felt very sad. Kinda bad and sad feelings that I felt like there was someone going to leave me behind. I tried to debunk the feeling and took a short nap. When I woke up, I stared outside the window, ohh I almost arrived. Just got few minutes to go.

Finally, I reached my destination. I felt such a great relieved since I could go home and going to give 'Abah' a big hug as I missed him so much. I called 'Abah' to pick me up at the bus station. He fetched me without a say. I was so shocked. Why he was not mad at me, since I had done a mistake? I was wondering, why and why. When we got home, he asked me about my school, how was my 'Princess Day' going on? I told him that I won the award and became the 'Princess of the NIght'. It was really unexpected. Abah listened to me, patiently. He stared at me with such dim eyes and sad feelings. There was something but I just ignored it.

On that night, 'Abah' fell down suddenly. My mother said that 'Abah' had a headache and he felt like going to fall. I was shocked! I did not know what to do. All of my family burst out into tears, beacuse we were never and ever seeing 'Abah' like that before. We called the ambulance and headed to a nearby hospital. 'Abah' was admitted in the critical ward. All of us were crying, crying and crying. I wished 'Abah' would be alright eventhough I was half-dying inside of myself seeing him in that condition.

On the next day, the doctor told us that 'Abah' had a hypertension and bleeding in the central of his brain. Oh God, how my heart was totally broke down. The doctor said again, "I'm so sorry, I did try my best but I couldn't save Mr Abdul Halim...". My heart fell onto the ground, my mother fell down. My little brother ran away out of that ward. 'Abah' passed away and leaving us the eight members of family. My three-years old little sister knew nothing about it. She just played around with her toys and assumed that her 'Abah' was just only had a short nap. 

Us. Spot which one is me? :p

In the spur of moment, I already knew why I really and badly wanted to go home. God gave me the sign that this could be the last meeting, last laugh, last story-sharing and the last hug for my one and only 'Abah. All for the last time. Indeed, I felt very grateful for that. Grateful for this such golden last chance.

To my dearest 'Abah', I missed you badly, terribly and I just wanted you to know how my heart runs pretty sharpish in missing you. I wish I could write you a letter,letting you know how much I love you and need you, eventhough you could only be next to me for my whole sixteen years of life, but I know it's impossible because the letter would not ever could reach you, instead of all my dua's do. Having a father, whom I called 'Abah' was the happiest moment in my life, though he could just spend a short moment with me..

...............

Siapa pernah sangka, Allah beri saya peluang utk saat-saat akhir bersama Abah walaupun tak sampai 24 jam bersamanya. Setibanya saya di Kuala Lumpur jam 0500 pagi hari Ahad, tepat jam 10.30malam pd hari yg sama tertutup mata ayah saya. Terkunci rapat mulutnya. Tiada lagi pandangan dan suara yg memandang satu-satunya anak perempuan yg Dia panggil "By.. Baby.. Baby.."

Janjinya pd saya jam 0600 pagi hari Ahad, di dapur rumah kami, " Takpe. Bgus dh pointer ni! Abah tahu baby boleh buat. Dptkan 4.0flat nt, Abah belikan laptop ok!" Janji yg kini hanya tinggal kenangan dan pembakar semangat setiap hari!

Ya. Inilah true story, essay yg saya tulis dgn tangan saya sendiri, dalam tempoh 1 jam setengah ketika menjawab exam paper English back in highschool. Tiada kata yang nan indah, tiada perkataan English yg bombastic, malah grammar pun salah2, yang ada hanyalah utusan kata yg ikhlas tulus dari hati buat seorang guru English saya ketika itu. After I lost my father, such a sudden lost, I turned up into such passive student, neither cherish nor happy, not performed much in my class til this English teacher always came into misjudgement. Dan sy menulis semua ini adalah kerana sy terlalu rindu. Saat itu saya tersangat rindu. Sehingga saya tak sedar, I wrote up with tears spotted on my exam paper. When I ended up with the last word, I put down the pen and left the exam hall, hoping that my heart letter will reach abah. How high imagination I'd been that time.. hanya kerana saya tersangat rindu.. After a long school break, my english teacher met me up, gave me this paper exam and hugged me. She said, "I'm truly sorry.. for my almost 20 years of teaching, I'd never cried on my students' essay paper. I never knew that such this passive and unconvincing student finally cld make me cry."

Malam ini, saya terpanggil. Terpanggil utk secara rendah dirinya kongsi kisah ini. Just a very piece of me. Bukan utk membuka pekung di dada atau kelemahan sendiri, tapi kerana permintaan my muslim sisters and brothers circle yg tidak putus-putus mengibox, mengemail, whatsapps, dari tahun2 lepas menanyakan what makes you inspired, apa yg mbuatkan awak klu buat ssuatu tu bersungguh-sungguh? what makes you stronger everyday. What makes you be a person up until now. Sehingga ada yg mengatakan, "Sempurnanya hidup awak Athirah!" kata2 yang saya juga tidak boleh nak salahkan mereka, krn sy mengerti mereka tidak mengetahui..

Secara jujurnya, tiada jawapan yang solid utk segala persoalan di atas. Easy said, it's just a life! Jatuh bangun hidup itulah yg mencorak saya hari ini. Setiap rentetan kehidupan, setiap sudut ciptaan Allah yang hidup itulah pelajaran bagi saya. Jatuh dan rebahnya saya adalah ketika kehilangan ayah. Di mana ketika itu, saya lambat utk terima dan redha. I'd been crying all days.. sehingga saya tak makan.. saya tak pegi kelas.. Sehingga satu tahap saya berdoa , "Ya Allah.. kenapalah amek abah pd saat aku sgt perlukan dia. pd saat aku nak membesar perlukan belaian seorang ayah.. seorang pembimbing masa depanku, pd saat langkahku sangat cerah utk ke luar negara.." Sampai sebegitu skali sy doa. Astaghfirullahaziim.. Bila ingat balik sedih.

Sampai satu ketika, hampir setahun kemudian, saya tersedar. Ya Allah.. lamanya aku mcm ni. Hampir setahun berada dalam rasa putus asa itu adlh sesuatu yg sgt mencengkam iman dan menyeksa jiwa. Lalu sy bangkit. Melalui detik-detik kebangkitan tu memang susahla. Apa yg saya pegang,

“Jangan kamu berputus asa daripada pertolongan Allah, sesungguhnya tidak berputus asa daripada rahmat (atau pertolongan) Allah melainkan orang-orang kafir.." -Yusuf, 87

 

Selain kehilangan, jatuh bangun, pengalaman hidup juga mematangkan seseorang. Tho I'm just twenny this year, Alhamdulillah pengalaman yg ada sgt membantu saya. Itu lah bekalan yg umi abah, keluarga dan orang2 sekeliling bekalkan utk saya. Tak usahlah saya nak detailkan apa dia. Cukup yg boleh saya katakan, hidup susah hidup senang, berada paling bijak paling di atas, paling corot reputasi pelajaran, berhadapan dengan orang berlainan fikrah, susahnya rasa cari duit sebagaimana mak ayah kita rasa, dan macam2 lagi, alhamdulillah sy dh lalui. Dan yang penting, utk lalui semua ni, jangan putus asa. Jangan lekas letih. Kalau letih, cepat2 bangkit! Apabila kita bangkit, tapi kita gagal lagi, takpe. bangkit lagi. bangkit bangkit dan bangkit! Minta tolong dgn Allah.

Tapi sampai bila..?? Sampai syaitan putus asa. Apa yg membuatkan saya kuat setakat ini Alhamdulillah, ialah umi dan abah! Selain our belief to Allah is priority.

p/s: Selamat Ulangtahun yg Ke-52 Abah. I just miss you.. Miss your safe and warm hugs, words and attention. Al-Fatihah. 

" But I'm so grateful for every moment I spent with you cause I know life won't last forever. Though you went so soon and left so soon, I had to move on cause it's been too long and I gotta stop the tears keep my faith and be strong."